Saturday, June 15, 2013

Every story needs an ending

I've moved on from writing about my life. I guess it's only fair to the few who actually were interested in my stories to close the chapter properly. I've been thinking about doing this for a while but, life seems to get in the way of things that rate less important then others. You know how it is.

I still work for the same department. A lot of smaller changes have come about and in a lot of ways it's a better place then it was just a few years ago. Of course, it's not without it's problems. There are still things that bother me tremendously that could be solved with something as simple as terminating an incompetent, uncaring, vindictive, unstable employee. I'm told there's paperwork in to do just that in this case. I don't know how valid that is, I only hear back channel chatter. The relationship and trust between the patrolmen and the supervisors still isn't there. It's a slight bit better, but still severely lacking.

About a year and a half ago I was rushed to the emergency room by ambulance for what I thought was a heart attack. A thousand tests later and multiple visits to multiple specialists offices and I was told I experienced a panic attack. Not a run of the mill panic attack, but a 10 on a scale of 10, terror driven, heart racing, shock inducing incident. All the years of acute stress, constant shifts of hyper-awareness, and general unhappiness had caught up with me and manifested itself in the only way my body could figure out how to deal with it - anxiety. I can't begin to tell you how upsetting and scary that time in my life was. I've never dealt with anxiety in this fashion and I didn't want to be forced out of my job and be a pill popping zombie.

I was lucky enough to find a great doctor nearby who had worked for a number of years with the state police hostage negotiators and tactical units. He knows what police work is, the dirty underbelly of society that people pretend doesn't exist. I'm thankful to have met him and continue to see him periodically. With his help I was able to get a good hold on the anxiety, and all without taking a single medication. Aside from a few close friends at work, they don't know my issue and my doctor has promised me he'll keep it that way.

I also don't think I would've been able to do it without the love and support of my wife. Yeah, I didn't see that coming either, haha. But she's the woman of my dreams and the best thing to ever happen to me. I won't go into too much about her, since I need to protect her identity here as well.

So that's basically it. Hopefully that gives you some closure if you've been reading all these years and still care. So, as I ride off into the sunset, I'll leave you with this: Treat each other well, enjoy the little things in life, and be thankful for what you have, every single day.

All the best,


Labels: , ,

Thursday, February 23, 2012


Labels: ,

Sunday, June 12, 2011


I dreamt I had an OIS last night.

I've had the ones where my weapon won't fire or it's got an 800 lb trigger pull. I've had the ones where I can see the bullets striking the target but the guy just isn't going down. I've even had the one where I can't clear leather to engage. This one was different.

Everything was textbook. Guy had a knife and was advancing. I was on my back doing a crab walk in an attempt to put distance between us. Verbal commands were given as well as fair warning before I hit the target center mass. He went down, got up and got two more center mass before slumping down and not moving. Somehow his knife turned to a gun and I kicked it away before cuffing him and calling for help.

Here's the strange part. Officers started showing up and contaminating the scene. People picked up the suspect's body and moved him. Someone picked up the gun and played with it. My brass was getting kicked all over the field. Nobody secured the perimeter and people just walked through willy-nilly. My textbook clean shoot was falling apart in front of my eyes. I tried to yell and scream but nobody paid any attention to me.

Then I woke up. What the fuck was that?

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Can you whisper?

I can't get this song out of my head, so I set it on repeat.

Labels: ,

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Social misfit

Before I went to college, I was the shy kid who pretty much kept to himself. Once in college, I came out of my shell. After a while of being on the job, I began developing social anxiety. I couldn't be in a crowded area and I was constantly on high alert. Lucky for me, with the help of some patient and understanding friends, I conquered that.

Now, I'm whatever the opposite of a social butterfly is, while the majority of my friends are friendly and approachable. I'm just the quiet guy who doesn't say much. People pick up on it and some have commented that I'm "weird." So, I distance myself from the group, which earns more "weird" comments, which makes me withdraw myself further. It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could get over my mistrust and skepticism of people so I didn't have to feel alone when surrounded by people.